Welton Colbert, an eighty-year veteran of the sequential art service industry sector, has taken an unusual step for a man his age–through his collaboration with post-hipster Ryan Estrada, he’s brought his reviews of many a webcomic to the cathode screen. Modern Humor Authority was delighted to speak to him, having long admired his laser-sharp critical eye and startling technological savvy.
As per our subject’s request, this interview was conducted via Dictaphone.
MHA: Thanks for taking the time to “kick the seat down” with us, Mr. Colbert. We at Modern Humor Authority found ourselves with something distinctly in common with you–both our magazine and your review column have been crudely parodied in Comixpedia, that edifice of scorn. Do you, like us, intend to put a stop to that practice via accion judiciaire pursuivant?
WC: ComicsMedia? Is that where they end up? All I know is they go on the computer. I tried to find them once, and all I saw was something called “Recycle Bin” and something called “The Start Menu” I don’t know why these kids today need such fancy appliances to get their news these days. I don’t know why they can’t learn things the old fashioned way. On the street. Why, all it took was a trip down the right dark alley, a little grease in the palm of the right shoe shine boy, or a password whispered into the correct nondescript doorway, and you’d learn anything you needed to know. Back then, if we wanted reviews, we’d go to old Crazy Earl. You could always find Earl because he’s be standing in the middle of an intersection holding an upside down cardboard sign that said “The Devil is coming”. Also he’d be screaming at the top of his lungs. And wearing half a watermelon as a hat. And not wearing any pants. Why, we’d just yell out the name of the comic we wanted reviewed. We’d say “Hey Crazy Earl, what did you think of today’s Katzenjammer Kids”? And old Earl would reply “THE DEVIIIIIIIL.” Easy peasy, Japanesey. No pointing, clicking, or….. judi…aisure… pursu…vimation….. ization….. necessary.
MHA: Ah, we apologize. We had assumed your French-Canadian last name indicated a passing fluency in the language of the Academie.
WC: I thought they were called Freedom Canadians now?
MHA: Your wit scalds like a knife. Can we assume, then, that you’ve had no electronic contact with your throbbing, nubile Internet fanbase?
WC: I carry a taser, so I’m ready for some ‘electronic contact’ the next time I see one of those little bastards.
MHA: Intriguing! You share with me–er, this publication–an interest in electrostimulation?
WC: I thought he was one of the overrated super villians. When I was at Golden Comics, I created a villain named “Senescent” but it never caught on. I was never sure why. Maybe because I never made any of my deadlines and the book never got published and 3 weeks later I got fired for stealing office supplies.
MHA: Seriously, people get so worked up about that. They’re just paperclips, you know? It’s not like we’re going to run out.
WC: Paperclips, stapler, mimeograph machine, boss’s car….. people get so wrapped up over the most unimportant things.
MHA: If we agreed any more heartily, we’d have cirrhosis. And speaking of digestion, your reviews are always fine food for thought; your style is delicate and flitting, characterized not so much by focus on your subject matter as a departure from it. Is it true you honed this approach during years of seclusion with J. D. Salinger?
WC: Well, there’s a funny story about that, Regis. It’s no secret that the elderly are disciminated against when it comes to television. For example, everyone knows that we can’t remember more than one word at a time, and yet they keep making all these shows with a whole bunch of words in the title. But we have fought back by creating a very clearly defined system of referring to our programs with one word names. Ask your grandma what her favorite game show is, and she’ll say “Wheel”, or “Millionaire”. Ask what her favorite drama is, and she’ll say “Angel”. A few years ago, she wouldn’t need to remember the “touched by a” part. This system worked very well, until they invented some Zombie show that was named “Angel” and it messed with our whole system. Then they came with some John Millionaire show, which meant if we wanted to be understood, we had to remember to say “Who wants to be a” And now there’s a rash of incidents where senior citizens are being forced to remember things! What these people don’t realize is that we can only remember a certain number of things. So for every time we need to remember to say “of Fortune” to distinguish our program from “The Third Wheel”, we have to forget something else. Why, I knew a guy who remembered to add “Everybody Loves” to Raymond, and he forgot the names of his grandchildren. Worst case I heard of was a woman in Sacramento who had to remember “she wrote” and forgot about ice cream.
MHA: … Wait, what?
WC: No thanks, I had one before I left.
MHA: On the subject of leaving, it’s rumored your retirement years ago set off a bit of a fire sale within the belly of that ageless dinosaur, Newspaper Syndication. Take us back to that day. What were the children saying?
WC: Well, the rule of thumb in the newspaper business is that you don’t quit until you’re dead. And even then, your kids are expected to take over. Most contracts have the ‘first born son’ clause right in there. If you never get married, you’re expected to adopt, and if you get turned down for that, there’s this guy Jimmy in the copy room who knows a guy who knows a guy who can get you a black-market Russian baby in about 2 hours.
MHA: Seriously? Because Isobel and I have been talking about kids, and there’s, well, difficulties, on her end, well, both our ends, technically my end, okay, but if you know someone… let’s just say there could be some PageRank in it for you.
WC: Yeah, but you never know what you’re gonna get stuck with when you go that route… have you seen that Little Billy? He can’t draw for crap.
MHA: Since you bring up the savant progeny of Keane, have you ever considered reviewing newspaper comics? Your focus so far has been surprisingly edgy.
WC: The newspapers today! Talking heads in tiny boxes! Pah! Why, back in my day, a Sunday comic took up an entire page. I remember a time when some of them took up the entire newspaper. Some Sunday strips were was so long, it was Monday before most readers got to the part where Nancy and Sluggo went for ice cream.
MHA: A controversial statement–but one nobody can oppose. On another topic, your penchant for poseury is well-documented. As the new year breaches, will we see a “Colbert Unsheathed” calendar for sale?
WC: These kids today will put their comics anywhere. Calendars, computers, tie pods, paper…. why, people forget why comics were invented. When we first started, the only place comics were published was on sandwiches. See there was this stand up comedy restaurant in Iowa called the Comic Cafe. They served these sandwiches that were so hot, you had to wait 60 seconds before eating them. The people complained that they were bored while waiting to eat, so the cook starting using food coloring to print little funny picture-stories on the bread. The people would spend 60 seconds reading the picture-story, and then it was safe to eat the sandwich. So they named it the Comic, after the restaurant. But the Comic Sandwiches were so much funnier than the stand up Comics, that they were all fired a few weeks later. The cafe changed format into a nudie bar, and that’s where we got the name ‘Comic Strip’.
MHA: Dear God. Can you say anything in less than a hundred words?
WC: You kids today and your short attention spans. You can’t say anything if it’s more than three words, and even then, you need to convert all the words to letters, like LAL, OGM, and BYOB. Back in my day we used our language to the fullest. We had to carry a 47 page script in a plastic binder everywhere we went just to remember how to say “hello”. Why I know a guy in Sacramento who started ordering a cheeseburger in 1932 and hasn’t finished his sentence yet.
MHA: And so–in the deep and reasoned fear of becoming that cheeseburger–we bring this interview to a close. Thank you for sparing us some of what little time you have left, Mr. Colbert.
WC: WHICH BUTTON DO I PUSH……. HELLO……… HELLO?……… HELLO?……………