Dear Mr. Black,
Hello, I am a film currently in production based on perhaps Frank Miller’s most famous property. (No, I am not referring to Batman.) Sin City is my name. Failure at being a worthwhile piece of cinema is my game.
By the incredulous expression on your face I can sense your confusion. Yes, I am aware that I have not been released quite yet, and perhaps have not been shown outside of dark, cluttered daily rooms, whose floors grow dangerously slicker by the hour with heaps upon heaps of discarded celluloid. What I’m trying to tell you is, it is simply unnecessary for me to be in theatres for you to know that I am a wretched waste of moviegoers’ time and of their coinage.
My beauty is skin deep. You have seen the trailer on the internet, yes? Of course. And the teaser photos released for the fanboys, that depict my cinematographer’s eye towards framing certain shots as they looked in Miller’s original comic book, yes? Wonderful. That much is left unsavaged by the studio. But visual apery is not exactly brain surgery. There are enough scenes shot such that fans who have memorized the books will feel remembered. The rest of the movie is tripe.
Jessica Alba, Josh Hartnett, Brittany Murphy. Such screen luminaries! I am lucky that Rob Schneider was not tapped to play Marv. Although Rourke’s makeup conjures too many images of a Dick Tracy villain crossed with a California Raisin. Ah well. You can’t win them all.
Of course it’s arrogant of me to be writing you, James, when you haven’t seen me. But trust me. Trust me and deliver my message to the world as only you can, my friend.
I’m going to blow.
Sincerely,
Sin City
Coming April 1, 2005.